i’ve had a considerable amount of ups and downs this past year. it hasn’t been easy, and it hasn’t been fun, yet at times there were smiles, and laughter and genuine joy. as i scrolled through instagram looking at celebrities posting their favorite photos, campaigns, parties, relationships, and travels the past few days, i felt empty. what did i have to show? i didn’t walk in any fashion shows in new york. i didn’t grace the cover of vogue twelve times. i barely traveled and explored. looking back on the year through a negative lens, all i see is darkness, despair, and depression. i did do some pretty cool things this year however, and i’m going to do my best to push my negative emotions aside to tell you about them.
in february i began production for my very first feature film, “a small, unimportant, and beautiful life”. it told the story of a strong, independent woman named campbell who tries to save the love of her life after he gets lost in a parallel universe, all while her own life is falling apart at the seams. it was a long and strenuous process, filled with freezing temperatures, long hikes, heavy memorization, and zero pay. hey, everybody’s gotta start somewhere right?
in april i finished writing my first full-length play entitled, “airborne”. inspired by the musical, “murder for two” that i saw in boston in december, i decided to tackle my favorite genre of basically everything (television, books, video games, etc.) and write my very own murder mystery. when i started, i honestly had no idea what i was doing. i didn’t know much about the story i was writing, and i had no idea who the killer was. everything fell into place as the writing process continued. i had a public reading of my play at my college’s liberal arts symposium, a day of student presentations and performances all based on student-interest and determination. i had a mentor, a cast, and a whole audience of people eager to hear my work. it was invigorating. i also had a talk-back afterward to discuss my play, and answer any questions the audience had. i also asked who they thought the killer was thus far (we only read half of the play due to timing), and i was very excited when not a single person in the audience was right. it felt like i had done a good job, keeping everyone on their toes. my favorite mysteries are the ones where i’m almost positive i know who the killer is halfway through, and then i’m thrown for a full 180 and i have no idea what’s going on until the last minute.
in may i traveled to amsterdam with my best friend, and explored one of the most beautiful cities i had ever seen. the architecture, the bikes, the people, the city, it was all incredible. i decided to buy myself a brand new dslr camera and begin my journey with photography. i still have a lot to learn, but i love editing photos and bringing their full beauty to light, and i’m excited to continue working on this through the new year. i also signed up for a yoga class with my sister (in reality it was supposed to be a distraction for her while her best friends all gathered in her apartment to surprise her for her birthday) and ended up falling in love with this new form of movement. i ended up practicing as much as i could over the summer, and i can say with confidence that i found a new home and community at my yoga studio.
in july i celebrated my 21st birthday the only way i knew how, by purchasing my own bearded dragon (duh!). after much consideration i decided to buy a baby bearded dragon named apollo as my first personal pet, and emotional support animal. when i bought him, he was the size of my pointer finger and weighed less than 5 grams. he was the cutest, littlest, most fragile thing in the world. he’s doing incredibly well, currently 15 inches long and looking like a giant monster (a cute monster) with a full-grown beard. he also helped me get over my fear of bugs real fast, since i have to feed him live crickets multiple times a day. when celebrating my birthday, i also began my journey to stop drinking alcohol. i would never say i had an alcohol problem. i drank very little at school, only got drunk on a few occasions, and disliked most alcohol everyone drank at school. as i was simultaneously struggling with my mental health, i realized alcohol wasn’t a good idea, and decided to cut it out of my life for my own safety. have i had one or more drinks since then? yes, of course. have i felt negative effects, sadness, physical pain or disgust afterwards? yes. almost every time.
in september i began rehearsing for a play called “she kills monsters” at school, which little did i know would become the most physically and emotionally taxing and strenuous show of my career to date. the show was about a cheerleader named agnes who discovers the world of dungeons and dragons after the loss of her younger sister, tilly. the show had everything: sword fights, puppets, dance battles, tears, evil cheerleaders, dragons, you name it. i learned how to stage fight (like, real, legit, stage fighting) and defend myself against a malicious, fire-breathing, five-headed dragon. to say it was pretty damn cool is an understatement.
in december i finished out my semester strong, with a 4.0 gpa and ended my time in huntingdon for the year with the premiere of “a small, unimportant, and beautiful life” which was held at the local movie theatre in town, with catered food, wine tasting, and a q&a with the cast and crew. seeing my face on a giant ass screen was weirdly beautiful, especially with all of the lighting and color correcting done to make the scenes incredible to watch. i sat in the front row with my best friends, cringing at little moments here and there, and remembering back months earlier when we would spend every saturday together filming and eating pizza and getting frustrated with each other every time someone didn’t know their lines. my parents even drove down to see the premiere, and tons of students and faculty came out to see the film. it was truly a beautiful and an unforgettable experience.
so look mom! look at all the super cool things i did this year! i’m very proud of my work. not because i’m forcing myself to be happy and ignore the negatives in my life, but because there were several times this year where i thought i wasn’t going to make it through whatever i was struggling with at the time, and yet i still managed to do all of this, and then some. so i guess i was wrong. i do have some pretty cool highlights to show off to the world.
as i sit here writing this, in front of a fire on the very first day of 2018, i have a lot of feelings. i’m sad, anxious, tired, drained, determined, focused, and zen. i’ve cut ties with a whole lotta negativity in my life, and i am determined to work on the things that will help me grow into a stronger, more independent human. i want to test my limits, push myself farther than i've ever gone before, and watch my career take off after i graduate college in a few months. i’m tired of doing the same thing everybody else is doing and seeing the same old, unsatisfying results. am i going to be purchasing a yoga program to help strengthen my core, arm strength and flexibility while i’m at school? yes! am i going to put more energy into creating my own material instead of waiting for others to come to me? yes! am i going to work to manifest goals, stick to a schedule and make sure i’m making the most of every day? yes! am i going to dye my hair and get acrylic nails even thought my mom think’s they’re bad for me? yes! and you know why? because i can, i want to, and for some weird reason, having long nails makes me really frickin’ happy. so suck it 2017. you are in the past and i don’t have to spend another waking second thinking about the pain you caused me. this is just the beginning. the beginning of a long and strenuous and rewarding journey to success that i am excited to take you all on with me. thank you, and happy new year.
