re: cap and consider

i’ve had a considerable amount of ups and downs this past year. it hasn’t been easy, and it hasn’t been fun, yet at times there were smiles, and laughter and genuine joy. as i scrolled through instagram looking at celebrities posting their favorite photos, campaigns, parties, relationships, and travels the past few days, i felt empty. what did i have to show? i didn’t walk in any fashion shows in new york. i didn’t grace the cover of vogue twelve times. i barely traveled and explored. looking back on the year through a negative lens, all i see is darkness, despair, and depression. i did do some pretty cool things this year however, and i’m going to do my best to push my negative emotions aside to tell you about them.

in february i began production for my very first feature film, “a small, unimportant, and beautiful life”. it told the story of a strong, independent woman named campbell who tries to save the love of her life after he gets lost in a parallel universe, all while her own life is falling apart at the seams. it was a long and strenuous process, filled with freezing temperatures, long hikes, heavy memorization, and zero pay. hey, everybody’s gotta start somewhere right?

in april i finished writing my first full-length play entitled, “airborne”. inspired by the musical, “murder for two” that i saw in boston in december, i decided to tackle my favorite genre of basically everything (television, books, video games, etc.) and write my very own murder mystery. when i started, i honestly had no idea what i was doing. i didn’t know much about the story i was writing, and i had no idea who the killer was. everything fell into place as the writing process continued. i had a public reading of my play at my college’s liberal arts symposium, a day of student presentations and performances all based on student-interest and determination. i had a mentor, a cast, and a whole audience of people eager to hear my work. it was invigorating. i also had a talk-back afterward to discuss my play, and answer any questions the audience had. i also asked who they thought the killer was thus far (we only read half of the play due to timing), and i was very excited when not a single person in the audience was right. it felt like i had done a good job, keeping everyone on their toes. my favorite mysteries are the ones where i’m almost positive i know who the killer is halfway through, and then i’m thrown for a full 180 and i have no idea what’s going on until the last minute. 

in may i traveled to amsterdam with my best friend, and explored one of the most beautiful cities i had ever seen. the architecture, the bikes, the people, the city, it was all incredible. i decided to buy myself a brand new dslr camera and begin my journey with photography. i still have a lot to learn, but i love editing photos and bringing their full beauty to light, and i’m excited to continue working on this through the new year. i also signed up for a yoga class with my sister (in reality it was supposed to be a distraction for her while her best friends all gathered in her apartment to surprise her for her birthday) and ended up falling in love with this new form of movement. i ended up practicing as much as i could over the summer, and i can say with confidence that i found a new home and community at my yoga studio.

in july i celebrated my 21st birthday the only way i knew how, by purchasing my own bearded dragon (duh!). after much consideration i decided to buy a baby bearded dragon named apollo as my first personal pet, and emotional support animal. when i bought him, he was the size of my pointer finger and weighed less than 5 grams. he was the cutest, littlest, most fragile thing in the world. he’s doing incredibly well, currently 15 inches long and looking like a giant monster (a cute monster) with a full-grown beard. he also helped me get over my fear of bugs real fast, since i have to feed him live crickets multiple times a day. when celebrating my birthday, i also began my journey to stop drinking alcohol. i would never say i had an alcohol problem. i drank very little at school, only got drunk on a few occasions, and disliked most alcohol everyone drank at school. as i was simultaneously struggling with my mental health, i realized alcohol wasn’t a good idea, and decided to cut it out of my life for my own safety. have i had one or more drinks since then? yes, of course. have i felt negative effects, sadness, physical pain or disgust afterwards? yes. almost every time. 

in september i began rehearsing for a play called “she kills monsters” at school, which little did i know would become the most physically and emotionally taxing and strenuous show of my career to date. the show was about a cheerleader named agnes who discovers the world of dungeons and dragons after the loss of her younger sister, tilly. the show had everything: sword fights, puppets, dance battles, tears, evil cheerleaders, dragons, you name it. i learned how to stage fight (like, real, legit, stage fighting) and defend myself against a malicious, fire-breathing, five-headed dragon. to say it was pretty damn cool is an understatement. 

in december i finished out my semester strong, with a 4.0 gpa and ended my time in huntingdon for the year with the premiere of “a small, unimportant, and beautiful life” which was held at the local movie theatre in town, with catered food, wine tasting, and a q&a with the cast and crew. seeing my face on a giant ass screen was weirdly beautiful, especially with all of the lighting and color correcting done to make the scenes incredible to watch. i sat in the front row with my best friends, cringing at little moments here and there, and remembering back months earlier when we would spend every saturday together filming and eating pizza and getting frustrated with each other every time someone didn’t know their lines. my parents even drove down to see the premiere, and tons of students and faculty came out to see the film. it was truly a beautiful and an unforgettable experience.

so look mom! look at all the super cool things i did this year! i’m very proud of my work. not because i’m forcing myself to be happy and ignore the negatives in my life, but because there were several times this year where i thought i wasn’t going to make it through whatever i was struggling with at the time, and yet i still managed to do all of this, and then some. so i guess i was wrong. i do have some pretty cool highlights to show off to the world. 

as i sit here writing this, in front of a fire on the very first day of 2018, i have a lot of feelings. i’m sad, anxious, tired, drained, determined, focused, and zen. i’ve cut ties with a whole lotta negativity in my life, and i am determined to work on the things that will help me grow into a stronger, more independent human. i want to test my limits, push myself farther than i've ever gone before, and watch my career take off after i graduate college in a few months. i’m tired of doing the same thing everybody else is doing and seeing the same old, unsatisfying results. am i going to be purchasing a yoga program to help strengthen my core, arm strength and flexibility while i’m at school? yes! am i going to put more energy into creating my own material instead of waiting for others to come to me? yes! am i going to work to manifest goals, stick to a schedule and make sure i’m making the most of every day? yes! am i going to dye my hair and get acrylic nails even thought my mom think’s they’re bad for me? yes! and you know why? because i can, i want to, and for some weird reason, having long nails makes me really frickin’ happy. so suck it 2017. you are in the past and i don’t have to spend another waking second thinking about the pain you caused me. this is just the beginning. the beginning of a long and strenuous and rewarding journey to success that i am excited to take you all on with me. thank you, and happy new year.

feeling broken

This is how I'm feeling in the current moment. I know this is not forever. I am stronger than this. Breathe.

This past Tuesday, I lost my grandfather. He has been very ill for months now, and I had been trying to prepare myself for the worst, but wasn't sure exactly how to do it. I have never lost anyone in my life before. My other grandfather (who I was named after) died before I was born, and I was too young to truly remember my great grandmother passing away. This is all new territory for me. I didn't know how to go about this. I still don't. And I look at my mother, who has just lost her father, and she seems so strong compared to the shriveled, sobbing mess I feel that I am becoming. I'm crying for so many reasons. I wasn't even particularly close to my grandfather, yet I still feel so completely lost. The funeral for my grandfather was this morning in Maryland, and I stayed home alone while my family drove all the way there for the service, because I was so afraid of my emotions and what they would do to me if I attended the funeral. I thought I was doing the right thing by staying away, because I didn't want to be influenced by all of the sadness at the service and be in an even worse place than I am now. However, as I spend the day alone in my home listening to Kesha's new album, I can't help but cry. Did I make the wrong decision? Did I avoid my grandfather's funeral and miss out on this opportunity to grow stronger as a family because of my own insecurities? I feel so weak and vulnerable in this moment, and I am truly feeling broken. Luckily, I know this isn't forever. More is coming, and I hope these things will bring goodness into my life.

I'm incredibly anxious about returning to school tomorrow to start my senior year. I feel like I'm in no place to start classes. I'm not ready. I've already emailed staff at school to let them know I'm dropping classes and backing out of commitments in fear of my emotions getting the best of me. I'm trying to set myself up for success, yet all I see in my future is fear, darkness, and emptiness. I'm moving into my very own apartment where I will be living by myself. At first we thought this was a great decision, because I will finally have the space I need for myself to breathe, relax, and grow into a stronger, more grounded soul. However, as I sit here crying, I feel like I've made all of the wrong decisions. What if I feel completely alone? What if I actually need a roommate? What if I become more isolated than I am already? 

In this moment I can tell that all of my thoughts are being clouded in negativity and anxiety, yet I'm letting them out anyway. There are many times where I criticize myself for writing negative things on my blog, but then I remember that there is negativity in my life. I can't stand behind my writing, which is raw, vulnerable and real, if it's not the truth. I can't write that I am happy when I don't feel that way. So, if you're reading this, don't worry about me. If you know me at all, you know I am resilient and brave, and I take on new challenges with an open mind and open heart. I'm not shying away from sadness or fear. They are real emotions that are here to be experienced, even if they are uncomfortable. Feeling broken isn't permanent. Feeling sad isn't permanent. I will grow stronger from this. Although it seems hard to believe, I see each difficult situation as a learning opportunity, to grow stronger and learn more about myself. And I'm saying that, after suffering from depression for nine years, at times wanting to disappear and never return. This is not forever, Tzipora. Keep reminding yourself of that. You are stronger than this. Please, just keep breathing.

feeling blue

I was shown this video a few months ago and I've seen it pop up on my timeline a few times since then. I think it's so so important and Barbie worded "feeling blue" perfectly. She's cute, quirky, and honest. You don't need to be upbeat and positive all of the time. Peace.

shoulds and shouldn'ts

I'm just gonna come right out and say this, and whoever wants to freak out about it can freak out about it. I just need to get this off my chest. 

I think I don't like the outdoors. 

I'm so sorry to everyone in my life I have lied to, but the truth is, I didn't even realize it myself until recently. I've spent so much of my life outside, and I am constantly surrounded by nature, but I just don't like it. I don't like bugs, I despise bug bites, and I'm pretty sure I have this constant feeling of bugs crawling on my legs even when there's nothing there.

So why do I feel so guilty about it? Because I felt like I should like it, due to my background and upbringing. All the yogis I look at love the outdoors, so I should too, right? Wrong.

A psychiatrist at my day program said to me a few weeks ago, "You should remove the word 'should' from your vocabulary. That word is poison!" At first I was like, dude please chill out. It's just a word. But then I started to think more about the word, the meaning of the word, and the essence behind it. And eventually, what this guy was saying actually started to make sense.

When you say you "should" do something, it adds unnecessary pressure onto whatever said thing is. For example: I should lose weight vs. I want to lose weight. Those are two very different sentences! Adding the word "should" to a statement makes it a command, as if your brain is forcing you to do something and you'll be punished if you don't. That seems a little drastic don't you think?

Next time you say the word "should", take a step back and see if you can re-word your statement to make it less demanding and more natural. I've listed a few possibilities below.

I should do this assignment vs. It would benefit me a lot to do this assignment.

I should clean my room vs. I may feel better if my room is clean.

I should like the outdoors because I have a house in the woods vs. I can like and dislike whatever I want!

I hope you enjoyed my little vocabulary lesson. 

expectations vs. reality

I've had some a lot of experiences with expectations and reality, whether it's from a makeup tutorial that looked horrible on me, or trusting myself to get off book for a scene and end up failing miserably in class. The biggest struggle currently, is my summer expectations and the reality that has now set in.

When I left college in the spring, I was preparing for a trip to Amsterdam and Ireland with my boyfriend for a week and a half, and then returning home to start my job teaching at the preschool "camp" at my Temple. My expectations were to have a wonderful time exploring Europe and seeing a culture completely different to my own, and then returning to a job that brings me so much joy every day, no matter how exhausted I was at the end of the day. I love little kids so much (not so much that I'm ready for my own just yet, but soon......ish.) Anyways, my trip to Europe was incredible, as expected. I ate some Dutch pancakes, saw real live prostitutes standing in windows waiting for their next prey (it was real weird), and did a whole lot of walking (our first day we walked almost ten miles!) When I came home however, things began changing rapidly, and my summer plans started to come into question.

I began feeling hopelessly depressed almost immediately upon returning from my trip. Having struggled with depression for years, I know when things are "normal depression" vs. something different. I could tell this was different. My energy was zapped from my body, I could barely get out of bed, I didn't have an appetite, I was exhausted all of the time, and I just felt so sad. I was constantly in tears, too afraid to leave the house, and I felt like my life was falling apart. I was terrified; I was to start work in two weeks, working almost a full day every day with four-year-olds. How could I possibly do my job if I was having panic attacks and depressive episodes several times throughout the day, unable to function? I felt so lost, so hopeless, and so alone. Even though I did have people in my life to support me, my brain kept telling me I didn't. It would contradict every positive message I tried to tell myself, so I just stopped trying to help myself, and dwelled in sadness for days. I adjusted my medication (with approval from a psychiatrist), and there was little/no reaction. Did it make things worse? It's hard to even remember at this point. I just remember thinking, "one entire week of full-on depression...this sucks." and then "two weeks...this is bad." and then "three weeks...are you kidding me?" and now, "a month. a month of sadness and emptiness and wishing it would all end." I've been to doctor, after psychiatrist, after therapist, changed my medication three(?) times now, and things are still...bland.

I will say, I am improving, slowly. I've had some good days. It's hard to grasp how well I'm doing because I just feel so shitty all of the time, but I'm working on it. It's so difficult to think of my kids playing in the sun at camp while I lay in bed crying because I don't have the energy to get in the shower. It's upsetting to have to leave the restaurant after ordering drinks because I had a panic attack and was crying in the middle of the outdoor plaza. I'm sad to turn down Red Sox tickets because I'm too scared to sit in a big crowd of people. 

But you know what? That's okay. It's okay to not be okay 100% of the time.

I'm taking my time, working on myself, and trying to push myself ever so slightly towards my next goal. My last goal was to be able to hold a crow pose in yoga, and I did it that day! I'm only getting stronger. Yes, I have ups and downs and horrible attacks and incredibly puffy eyes every day, but I am learning so much about myself and who I am as a person. I'm not thinking about next semester, or next month, or even next week. I'm not even thinking about tomorrow. I am working on today. Day by day, I can only grow stronger and persevere more. Clearly, my expectations of this summer are not the current reality. Could they be in a few weeks? Possibly, but I'm not thinking about that right now. I'm focusing on the now, because I'm being mindful and staying in the present moment, and maybe splurging on some new sneakers because they are super cute. We'll see. 

learning about love

What does love mean to you?

I asked the President of my university this question in a private interview I was having with him for an upcoming theatre assignment (I could write pages about that interview, but we talked about some real serious stuff. It was intense. Tears were shed. He's an incredible president).

So here's what I think about love:

[Disclaimer: Author is twenty years old. She knows nothing] 

What I Thought

I watched my parents grow up very much in love. As mentioned in my anger post, it scares me when people argue, and if they argued, I immediately thought they were going to get a divorce. I couldn't understand why people who said they loved each other would yell at each other and leave the room angry. Continuing to hold onto this thought of "argument = divorce/breakup/end" as I started being in relationships, I kinda assumed this was the rule for all relationships. Happiness. Adventures. Changing things about yourself so that it makes the other person happy so they won't be in conflict with you. That's what it's supposed to be, right?

Wrong. Again.

Dear Tzipi, get your ass off of social media gawking over couples that are "instagram famous" just for being in love and having perfect lives. Please, Tzipi, I beg of you. Stop comparing yourself to people who only post the good stuff on social media and create this fantasy you're supposed to believe. You are not those social media starlets, because why the fuck would I want to be one in the first place? 

What I've Learned (...Still Learning)

"Real love"- like the kind of stuff you don't necessarily see in the movies and rarely see because people aren't around to take photos and videos of it - is amazing. Being content in the company of one specific person (or many persons, whatever floats your boat) without any of the glitz and glam is really special. I'm slowly learning to let go of those "movie moment" expectations and just accept reality, which, in fact, is amazing all on it's own.  I'd like to thank my boyfriend (who I'm going to try my very hardest to not talk about all that much) for teaching me what real love feels like. 

I've had a twin bed for the majority of my life, and I remember complaining when I was young about how I wanted a bigger bed because I was becoming a big girl. No luck. Okay, so imagine sleeping in a twin bed for the majority of your life, and then sticking another person in said bed who is even bigger than you are. It was a real adjustment. But we suffered through it anyway so we could be close to each other (I'm a snuggler). 

I learned how to start saving money. I used to look for fancy restaurants to eat at because they got good reviews, however, the random sandwich shop on this side street that he'll suggest is also pretty good too, and probably cost at least $15 less than the fancy shmancy place. We grew up in different lifestyles, and when we're together I usually feel like an idiot because he's much more logical with everything than I am. 

I'm learning how to be a freakin' adult. 

It's weird, but I'm in love and I'm happy.

Don't change yourself for someone else.

Find someone who accepts you for you.

Be open-minded and caring.

 Don't be a dingus.

anger: the emotion

I've always had a difficult time with anger. I never get angry. Ever. I can get frustrated, but I just keep everything inside. Always. I'm terrified. I've been working on this in therapy for like, four years...and not much improvement has been made. Why does it freak me out so much?

When people raise their voice at someone, it scares the shit out of me. Any volume that's louder than the typical conversational tone I view as yelling or shouting. When someone raises their voice at me, I immediately start crying and telling myself to shut up. I interpret it as if I've made a mistake, and I am being yelled at as punishment. I'm not sure if there's some traumatic moment in my life that's triggered this fear, but whatever it is, it's weird and I hate it. 

This fear of anger (whether it's witnessing or experiencing) has stopped me from doing a lot of things. I've developed a fear of confrontation because I don't always know the outcome, and not knowing is worse than the experience itself. I'm unable to express honest opinions with people in fear of "retaliation" a.k.a. being upset. If someone is upset after I tell them something, it's my fault right? 

Wrong.

My therapist once told me, "If someone is upset at your actions, that is their response to the situation. Their emotions are not in your control nor are you responsible for them." He also once scribbled, "YOU CAN'T PLEASE EVERYBODY" on a sticky note for me that I still have tucked away in a journal somewhere. Anyways, the point is, it's time for me to confront my fear of standing up for myself, or telling someone how I'm actually feeling. I am my own being. The only person I am responsible for is myself. Now if only I could actually comprehend all of this knowledge into my noggin so I can stop being so hypocritical.

why blog?

So you're probably wondering why I wanted to start this blog in the first place. It's actually quite simple. I'm feeling depressed. Like, really depressed. I've had depression since I was twelve years old, so it's not like I've been waiting until I was an adult to talk about my feelings, but I had this urge to do it publicly. I've been through therapist, after therapist, after psychiatrist, after group therapy, to a new therapist and a new psychiatrist. And I'm still depressed! Doesn't that suck? 

I wanted to make this blog because I am finally coming to terms with my brain health (my doctor likes calling it that because she says it makes it feel more like a "real" illness because the brain is an organ and you could easily be suffering from kidney failure). I'm finally ready to talk about it. All of it. Don't worry, this blog isn't going to be a sad tumblr sort of thing where all I post are gifs from sad movies and try to trigger you all into feeling my pain. That's the opposite of what I want! 

I want this blog to help erase the stigma about mental illness. I want it to be a safe place to people to talk about what's really going on (not just what you choose to post on social media). I want to improve my mood. I hope it will improve your mood too! 

And no, this blog isn't going to just be about me overcoming and learning to live with my mental illnesses (I've been working on that for eight years, dudes). I want to talk about my other interests! Because I have them! I love singing! I love singing so much. I've wanted to be on Broadway since I was seven years old, and it's never not brought joy into day to sing at the top of my lungs in my car by myself. I'm currently learning yoga. I'm finding it incredibly fascinating, but also physically strenuous! I'm enjoying the challenge, and I think my body appreciates it too. As you can see, there's a lot more to me than meets the eye. I hope you enjoy the ride.