This is how I'm feeling in the current moment. I know this is not forever. I am stronger than this. Breathe.
This past Tuesday, I lost my grandfather. He has been very ill for months now, and I had been trying to prepare myself for the worst, but wasn't sure exactly how to do it. I have never lost anyone in my life before. My other grandfather (who I was named after) died before I was born, and I was too young to truly remember my great grandmother passing away. This is all new territory for me. I didn't know how to go about this. I still don't. And I look at my mother, who has just lost her father, and she seems so strong compared to the shriveled, sobbing mess I feel that I am becoming. I'm crying for so many reasons. I wasn't even particularly close to my grandfather, yet I still feel so completely lost. The funeral for my grandfather was this morning in Maryland, and I stayed home alone while my family drove all the way there for the service, because I was so afraid of my emotions and what they would do to me if I attended the funeral. I thought I was doing the right thing by staying away, because I didn't want to be influenced by all of the sadness at the service and be in an even worse place than I am now. However, as I spend the day alone in my home listening to Kesha's new album, I can't help but cry. Did I make the wrong decision? Did I avoid my grandfather's funeral and miss out on this opportunity to grow stronger as a family because of my own insecurities? I feel so weak and vulnerable in this moment, and I am truly feeling broken. Luckily, I know this isn't forever. More is coming, and I hope these things will bring goodness into my life.
I'm incredibly anxious about returning to school tomorrow to start my senior year. I feel like I'm in no place to start classes. I'm not ready. I've already emailed staff at school to let them know I'm dropping classes and backing out of commitments in fear of my emotions getting the best of me. I'm trying to set myself up for success, yet all I see in my future is fear, darkness, and emptiness. I'm moving into my very own apartment where I will be living by myself. At first we thought this was a great decision, because I will finally have the space I need for myself to breathe, relax, and grow into a stronger, more grounded soul. However, as I sit here crying, I feel like I've made all of the wrong decisions. What if I feel completely alone? What if I actually need a roommate? What if I become more isolated than I am already?
In this moment I can tell that all of my thoughts are being clouded in negativity and anxiety, yet I'm letting them out anyway. There are many times where I criticize myself for writing negative things on my blog, but then I remember that there is negativity in my life. I can't stand behind my writing, which is raw, vulnerable and real, if it's not the truth. I can't write that I am happy when I don't feel that way. So, if you're reading this, don't worry about me. If you know me at all, you know I am resilient and brave, and I take on new challenges with an open mind and open heart. I'm not shying away from sadness or fear. They are real emotions that are here to be experienced, even if they are uncomfortable. Feeling broken isn't permanent. Feeling sad isn't permanent. I will grow stronger from this. Although it seems hard to believe, I see each difficult situation as a learning opportunity, to grow stronger and learn more about myself. And I'm saying that, after suffering from depression for nine years, at times wanting to disappear and never return. This is not forever, Tzipora. Keep reminding yourself of that. You are stronger than this. Please, just keep breathing.
