celebrating my 21st birthday without alcohol

On Sunday, I turned 21 years old. Do I feel any different? Not really. Maybe a little bit, but besides receiving a lot of unwanted attention from people I haven't talked to in years, nothing really has changed.

"What are you talking about?" you may ask. "You can legally drink now!" 

Yeah...no...I don't...I can't...So...yup.

Over a year and a half ago I stopped drinking alcohol in college. I hated the taste of cheap college beer (I'm not really a beer fan in general), I didn't like feeling out of control, and I despised being around drunk people. I realized I was forcing myself to go to parties and consume alcohol as a way of fitting in and trying to be social, and how incredibly uncomfortable that was making me feel. It was increasing my already spiked social anxiety, and I just wasn't feelin' it anymore. So I stopped. Yes, I would have a glass of wine with my parents occasionally, or try a fancy margarita my sister made, but I really was not into drinking anymore.

This past year, I stopped going to parties at school. I realized I wasn't having fun anymore. My anxiety was so high from trying to deal with drunk people (yes, that includes some of my best friends) that I wasn't having fun. I use to stay longer than I wanted to because I felt obligated to socialize on the weekends, until my therapist said to me, "If you aren't having fun, why don't you just leave?"

"I don't know...I feel like I should be there with my friends." I replied.

"Were you enjoying yourself? Were you having fun with your friends?" he inquired.

"No...not really."

"Then leave. You don't owe them anything."

And he was right! People go to parties to have fun in the first place. If I wasn't enjoying myself, I should have just left! I was causing more anxiety than necessary by forcing myself to stay at these parties and try to socialize with intoxicated people who were on a completely different level than I was. It sucked, so I started leaving the moment I got uncomfortable. This escalated to the point where I just stopped going. I wasn't enjoying it, I was having panic attacks, and it was horrible. 

In case you somehow missed it, I've been pretty depressed this entire summer. It's had its ups and downs, but overall, depression and anxiety have controlled my actions for the past two months. Alcohol is a depressant (WHAT??? Shocking, I know), so why would I engage in something that I know would make me more depressed than I already was? I definitely was not into that. So what did I do for my 21st birthday you may be wondering? I went out to breakfast with my parents, ate a lot of pancakes and whipped cream, treated myself to the new Tartiest Pro Glow Palette (highlighter galore) at Sephora, got a free Starbucks drink, and spent the evening sitting on my porch with two of my best friends catching up on life and listening to music. I lit an incense, drank some non-alcoholic champagne, ate sushi and chocolate cake, and had a wonderful time. I felt happy. Yes, you read that correctly. I felt happy! It was pretty damn exciting. 

As you can see, I had a fun birthday without putting any alcohol into my body. Was it the way most twenty-one-year-olds celebrate their birthday? Probably not. Was it a fun and enjoyable and positive experience? Absolutely.

feeling blue

I was shown this video a few months ago and I've seen it pop up on my timeline a few times since then. I think it's so so important and Barbie worded "feeling blue" perfectly. She's cute, quirky, and honest. You don't need to be upbeat and positive all of the time. Peace.

body image

Let's talk about being fat, kids! I'm just kidding. Well, sorta. I wanted to write a post about a very touchy subject that has played a very large role in my life over the past few years. My body. I hate it. Actually, no, that's not entirely true, but I'll admit there are parts of my body I am incredibly insecure about. Some people think it's weak to admit this. I, on the other hand, think it's courageous. I think it's important to talk about our insecurities. How else are we going to change the stigma about body image as a social construct? 

I dislike my stomach. It's not flat, which according to society equals acceptable. I have rolls. I just rolled up my shirt to double check as I'm writing this, and I do indeed have belly rolls. Sometimes a bit of my tummy hangs out over my jeans (which is why I have switched to only wearing high-waisted jeans so that problem is eliminated). Does it sometimes cut off my circulation and hurt my stomach? Absolutely! But it keeps my belly looking flat so who cares about pain? 

I hate my arms. I have huge brachialis muscles (below the bicep) which make my arms like twice their size when flexed. I should be proud of my muscles, yet I despise them for weighing my body down at times. Did you know that muscle weighs more than fat? I didn't. 

I have a strange love/hate (but mostly hate) relationship with my thighs. Yes, they have saved my phone from falling in the toilet a number of times, but there's no gap. And we all know everyone must have a thigh gap or you're considered fat right? Wrong (if you haven't noticed by now, wrong is my thing I seem to add in every post without intending to). My thighs are muscular, but I have cellulite. Screw you, cellulite! I don't like you! No one does!

When I open up Instagram on my phone, as I do about forty times a day, I feel like all I see it Victoria Secret model, after model on the beach in a thong bikini showing off her ass, after #bodygoals, after more Victoria Secret models (why do I know all of their names???) I've realized recently how incredibly unhealthy this is for me, and the rest of our generation. We want to feel connected to celebrities, so we follow them religiously on social media. But do you realize how poisonous this can be? If all I see are flat stomachs, big butts and tiny waists, it's viewed as the social norm. And then I look at myself, someone without a flat stomach or a tiny waist and I feel like shit about myself. It's taken me so long to learn to love my body. And clearly, my journey is far from over since I just talked about all the parts of my body I hate. 

I'm not here to tell you to unfollow all the celebrities on social media. I'm not here to tell you to join a bikini body challenge and lose 20 lbs (if you're into that kind of stuff, I commend you!) I'm not telling you to pretend to love yourself. I'm recommending (not forcing, because that would be rude) that you look in the mirror after reading this post and find five things you love about yourself. If five seems too difficult, start with three and work your way up. Here's mine:

I love my organization skills and handwriting.

I love my abs.

I love my long natural eyelashes.
I love my tiny hands.
I love the necklace of freckles around my neck

Now it's your turn.

shoulds and shouldn'ts

I'm just gonna come right out and say this, and whoever wants to freak out about it can freak out about it. I just need to get this off my chest. 

I think I don't like the outdoors. 

I'm so sorry to everyone in my life I have lied to, but the truth is, I didn't even realize it myself until recently. I've spent so much of my life outside, and I am constantly surrounded by nature, but I just don't like it. I don't like bugs, I despise bug bites, and I'm pretty sure I have this constant feeling of bugs crawling on my legs even when there's nothing there.

So why do I feel so guilty about it? Because I felt like I should like it, due to my background and upbringing. All the yogis I look at love the outdoors, so I should too, right? Wrong.

A psychiatrist at my day program said to me a few weeks ago, "You should remove the word 'should' from your vocabulary. That word is poison!" At first I was like, dude please chill out. It's just a word. But then I started to think more about the word, the meaning of the word, and the essence behind it. And eventually, what this guy was saying actually started to make sense.

When you say you "should" do something, it adds unnecessary pressure onto whatever said thing is. For example: I should lose weight vs. I want to lose weight. Those are two very different sentences! Adding the word "should" to a statement makes it a command, as if your brain is forcing you to do something and you'll be punished if you don't. That seems a little drastic don't you think?

Next time you say the word "should", take a step back and see if you can re-word your statement to make it less demanding and more natural. I've listed a few possibilities below.

I should do this assignment vs. It would benefit me a lot to do this assignment.

I should clean my room vs. I may feel better if my room is clean.

I should like the outdoors because I have a house in the woods vs. I can like and dislike whatever I want!

I hope you enjoyed my little vocabulary lesson. 

goat yoga

Today I had the privilege of getting to practice goat yoga. 

It was one of the most distractingly cute experiences ever and I'm so grateful for the Hancock Shaker Village for hosting a second and third class for all us yogis who also happen to be obsessed with goats. 

I filmed my adventure to showcase not only the goats running around and chomping on grass, but to also show some progress with my yoga skills and proud moments. For example, I touched my toes today. It was a big fucking deal. There's a lot of fun surprises in there so I hope you enjoy. 

I love goats. Especially baby goats (included in video). Today was awesome.