I've always had a difficult time with anger. I never get angry. Ever. I can get frustrated, but I just keep everything inside. Always. I'm terrified. I've been working on this in therapy for like, four years...and not much improvement has been made. Why does it freak me out so much?
When people raise their voice at someone, it scares the shit out of me. Any volume that's louder than the typical conversational tone I view as yelling or shouting. When someone raises their voice at me, I immediately start crying and telling myself to shut up. I interpret it as if I've made a mistake, and I am being yelled at as punishment. I'm not sure if there's some traumatic moment in my life that's triggered this fear, but whatever it is, it's weird and I hate it.
This fear of anger (whether it's witnessing or experiencing) has stopped me from doing a lot of things. I've developed a fear of confrontation because I don't always know the outcome, and not knowing is worse than the experience itself. I'm unable to express honest opinions with people in fear of "retaliation" a.k.a. being upset. If someone is upset after I tell them something, it's my fault right?
Wrong.
My therapist once told me, "If someone is upset at your actions, that is their response to the situation. Their emotions are not in your control nor are you responsible for them." He also once scribbled, "YOU CAN'T PLEASE EVERYBODY" on a sticky note for me that I still have tucked away in a journal somewhere. Anyways, the point is, it's time for me to confront my fear of standing up for myself, or telling someone how I'm actually feeling. I am my own being. The only person I am responsible for is myself. Now if only I could actually comprehend all of this knowledge into my noggin so I can stop being so hypocritical.
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